Sickipedia

Sod’s Law Update Anything that can go wrong already has, you just haven’t noticed yet.

I’ve just noticed that Bruce Forsyth’s ashes have been interred under the stage at the London Palladium. Shame, they should have been placed under the stage at the Sunderland Empire, the theatre where real entertainers (comedians) go to die.

An English tourist walks into a pharmacy in France and speaks to the pharmacist. “Bonjour Monsieur pharmacien donnez moi un préservatif noir s’il vous plait” “Un préservatif noir” dit le pharmacien “pourquoi ?” “Parce que ma femme est mort” dit le touriste. and there you have it, a really shit joke in what passes for French as translated by Google !

I walked into the bathroom yesterday and caught my blonde girlfriend applying copious amounts of toothpaste to her nether regions. When asked what she was effing doing, she replied she was applying her contraception. Then she showed me the toothpaste box, writ large on it were the words ‘Cavity Protection’.

I used my Nectar points to buy two jars of honey in Sainsburys yesterday. How retro was that ?

My old dad was a heavy smoker in the 1960s, I ‘inherited’ the habit from him. He always saved the tokens from his Kensitas cigarette packets and I recently found them in the attic. There were so many of them that I was able to order my very own iron lung from the Kensitas catalogue.

The BBC today announced that they have solved the World Cup streaming delay problem but are not quite ready to implement it yet. So, can anyone help me, did England manage to hold on and win against Croatia or did it go to penalties ?

Gladstone, the Treasury Cat has gone awol. A Government spokesman said that the cat had been very quiet recently whilst considering it’s options. After checking it’s remaining number lives and contemplating the various challenges posed by the rapidly unravelling Brexit farce it had decided to vote with it’s feet. It’s current whereabouts is unknown but border security has been told to keep an eye open for a black cat, believed to be carrying stolen treasury bonds, at all ports of exit from the UK. Under no circumstances should the cat be approached by any member of the public as it has a history of fighting, spitting, scratching and biting.

Today’s Sunderland Echo displayed a headline “Meet Henrietta - Sunderland’s Six Legged Kitten”. The kitten has two half formed legs near it’s tail. The (ginger) kitten is currently being looked after by the charity Feline Friends. They are hoping to raise £1000 to cover the vetinary fees for removal of two of the legs, some people might say they are stumped for cash but I wouldn’t sink that low ! If some Sickipedia user could kindly donate £500, I will do likewise on the condition that the vet amputates the kitten’s front left leg. The kind Sickipedia donor, could select another leg for removal.

Peter Sutcliffe, The Yorkshie Ripper, currently serving twenty concurrent life sentences at Franklin Jail, County Durham, was, last Sunday, forced to spend some time in Sunderland, surely a cruel and unusual punishment !