Sickipedia

OK this is kind of aimed at bigboy, god you're an arse ache at times, but you try. This is why I prefer the real life funny stuff. Just overheard this conversation in a chemist. Father: "OK choose which sweets you want" Daughter (about 4yo): "I want that one" (Pointing towards it) Father: "No sweetheart, you can't, it's not sweets" Daughter: "But that girl on the box is really happy after eating it look" She was pointing at a packet of condoms

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, it was on red for ages minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of dickheads, young, loud, cocky little fuckers, the type who wear jeans way too low. You know the type? Suddenly, they yelled, "OI!! cunt, wanna get fucked up?" (like I'd say "hmm.. oh yes please") and took off before the light changed, laughing their heads off thinking they scared me. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Shit...that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Making a homemade pregnancy test from toothpaste 1 Open toothpaste 2 Put 9 small blobs on the bathroom mirror 3 After each month wipe away one blob 4 Keep going until all blobs are removed 5 Now search the house, if you find a baby, the test is positive. If you don't find a baby then yep, it's negative

Have you ever thought what you'd do if you could control people just by thinking about it? You could control the world. You could make them believe fighting was wrong, world peace would happen. You could really do anything, and make the world right. I'd make everyone believe that there was no more potatoes in the world and that the only shop that had them in stock was Tesco's in Redditch, because that's where my ex wife works and I know it would piss her off working that hard because of panic buying... bitch

Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people are looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this to make it look like I have a friend to text

I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there's a huge discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads i own

My favourite's from a book called, Disorder in the American Courts, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters. 1, Attorney: What is your date of birth? Witness: July 18th. Attorney: Which year? Witness: Every year. 2, Attorney: Are you sexually active? Witness: No, I just lie there. 3, Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No. Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

What's black, has eight legs, and makes a woman scream? Gang rape

Hitler gets a tough rap really. I mean Jesus may have fed the 5000 with a few loafs of bread and a couple of fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

David Blunkett walks into a bar, a chair, a table, a wall... eventually he wanders disorientated towards a busy main road, where he is struck by a car and killed instantly, then bigboy rapes him, because that's the way he likes it