Sickipedia

Just been attacked by a ginger kid doing martial arts... turns out he was the Carroty Kid

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don't know what you're missing!

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please... and I think that is poor for four.

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

I’ve a twin sister with a lisp. She’s the spitting image of me.

The Mrs said she wanted treating for her birthday. So I painted her with Cuprinol.

I’ve just heard my window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house… I think he’s lost his rag!

I got stung by nettles earlier... He charged me £200 for a signed ‘Bergerac’ DVD!

An inmate escaped from Rampton hospital North Notts. On escaping the asylum he raped a woman in a nearby village launderette before fleeing into the woods. Headline in the paper the next day. NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

I was just washing up, with the back door open, when suddenly, an owl flew in. It dried all the pots and put them away then flew right back out.! Couldn’t believe it! Think it was a Teat Owl….