Sickipedia

I was at the bar and I ordered a pint of lager and a Pepsi for the Wife and went to sit down. She said "where's the straw?" Went back over to the bar and said "have you got a straw for the coke" Landlord replied "just use a rolled up fiver like everybody else"

An inmate escaped from Rampton hospital North Notts. On escaping the asylum he raped a woman in a nearby village launderette before fleeing into the woods. Headline in the paper the next day. NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road!

Bin laden got home from work and wasn’t best fucking pleased with his wife.. He says I’ve been out all day, I come home..... and the house looks like a bombs hit it.

A Zoo got this Kangaroo and builds a 10 foot high fence but the next morning it escapes. The zoo keeper built the fence higher so it was 20 feet high but it escaped again. He thought fuck this, so he built the fence 50 feet high but the new animal escapes again. The lion says to the Kangaroo " how high do you think he's going to have to build this fence in an attempt to stop you escaping" Kangaroo "maybe a thousand feet or more if he keeps leaving the gate unlocked"

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please... and I think that is poor for four.

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen," I said. Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!" "So did I!" I said.

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

At the restaurant the pretty waitress asked "how do you like your steak sir" I said " the same way I like my sex" She said "very rare then?"

Roy Keane "Liverpool won the Premier league and the government are paying people to be off work... somewhere out there there is a scouser with a lamp and a genie wondering what his third wish is gonna be" Jamie Carragher "I hope your drop dead" Roy Keane " I beg your parden" Jamie Carragher "That was my third wish"