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I had a 'Michael Jackson' burger earlier today. Very lean.

Looks like hot summer weather is back! And it wouldn't be summer without sitting out in the hot sun, seeing an Italian ice-cream van who's playing a catchy Italian melody, being driven by an Italian guy with a turban and a long grey beard..

I was trying not to wake anyone up the other night, so I put some French pancakes on my feet and crepéd up the stairs

NHS staff and the police get discounts at shops & restaurants because they're key workers. Yet when I show them my Timpson badge and apron, I have to pay full price..

I said to my 8 year old granddaughter, "What would you like for Christmas?" She replied, "An Apple Mac". I said, "Fine, I'll head down to the orchid. But don't call me Mac.."

I was stood at the bar and saw this black girl on her own, so I decided to go on ever and speak to her. As she saw me approaching, she rolled her eyes at my oncoming advances. "Excuse me", I asked, "but would you mind if I buy you a drink? It's just you seen really nice, intelligent, plus you seem level-headed" Her face eased into a soft smile. "Thanks for looking passed my skin colour, and the compliments. But how come 'level-headed'?" "Well you must be!" I said. "How else do you balance all your shopping on your head each week?"

'Give me all your money, your phone and your jewellery you white piece of shit': What a Jamaican in London says when he's run out of drug and dole money.

Former prison officer Linda De Sousa Abreu, who was filmed having sex with an inmate, jailed. Either the judge doesn't understand irony, or they're a genius and has ensured that she'll be playing the skin flute three times a day for the foreseeable.

A security guard plotted to abduct, murder and then rape TV personality Holly Willoughby to fulfil his "ultimate fantasy", a court heard. I may have amended the order of those atrocities to fit in with my ultimate fantasy..

Matt Hancock is said to be entering the jungle to appear in 'I'm a Celebrity' after hearing about the Bush-tucker Trial which involves eating arse whilst being paid a handsome salary.