Sickipedia

I've found out that my wife of 30 years has been cheating on me. When I confronted her about it, she admitted everything, even confessing that her new man took her to Pound Town at the weekend. Well I've just looked on Google Maps and that place doesn't even exist.

The UK Supreme Court is to announce the definition of a woman today, following a Trans legal battle with the Scottish government. This follows legislation brought in by Nicola Sturgeon, the previous man in charge at Holyrood.

They say that these bin strikes could turn Birmingham into a third world country soon. I'm not sure if things will improve that much.

Former prison officer Linda De Sousa Abreu, who was filmed having sex with an inmate, jailed. Either the judge doesn't understand irony, or they're a genius and has ensured that she'll be playing the skin flute three times a day for the foreseeable.

The world's oldest person has died at the age of 116. Tomiko Itooka, from Japan, puts her longevity down to her diet, which includes bananas and a drink called Calpis. I told this to my wife, who then offered to head to the local farm to pick some up for me today. I'm a lucky man!

I often visit the mastectomy clinic to keep up-to-date with how they're performing and what they're throwing away. I like to keep abreast.

Surprisingly, I've been really enjoying watching the Paralympics on Channel 4. I have to say though, why Ukraine are only 8th in the medals table is beyond me! If any country were able to flood that competition with amputees this time around, it should be them.

A security guard plotted to abduct, murder and then rape TV personality Holly Willoughby to fulfil his "ultimate fantasy", a court heard. I may have amended the order of those atrocities to fit in with my ultimate fantasy..

My girlfriend shouted at me, "Will you PLEASE stop singing songs by The Backstreet Boys?!?!" I screamed back, "TELL ME WHY?!"

News: 'Man charged over alleged plot to kidnap and murder Holly Willoughby'. The man, who is gay and cannot be named for legal reasons, is said to have had a vendetta against Holly since the summer...