Sickipedia

What did Katie Price say to King Kong? Is it in yet?

Three months ago I ordered a book called "How To be A Successful Online Scammer". I'm still waiting for it to arrive.

Q. What would George Floyd be doing if he were alive today? A. Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Matt Hancock said that “A front door is better than any face mask”. Well I tried it but finally had to put it down while in Tesco's yesterday as it was just too heavy!

Large crystal ball for sale. Only £50, but you will haggle me down and buy it for £35.

Cosmetic surgery clinics, nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are all closed again due to yet another lockdown. Watch out guys, it’s about to get ugly out there.

A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman. “Did it hurt?” “No, not really, only the last bit.” “Was that when they cut it off?” “No, that didn’t hurt, it was the last bit.” “Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?” “No, it was just the last bit that hurt.” “Well what was the last bit?” “You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!”

I think my marriage is in trouble. When I'm having sex with my wife, I fantasise about having a wank.

A skinhead is in court on trial for throwing a Paki out of a 10th storey window. "This is a very serious matter", says the judge, "You'll be looking at a huge sentence for this!" "Oh come on your honour!", argued the skinhead, "It was only a Paki!" The judge snaps back, "I'm very well aware of that young man, but it could have fucking hit somebody!"

THE SECRETS TO A LONG LIFE: 1. No smoking 2. No alcohol 3. No drugs 4. No sex 5. Become a vegan 6. Consume less than 1000 calories a day To be honest, you won't actually live any longer. It'll just seem like it.