Sickipedia

After being invited to take part in 'Sober October' and 'Stoptober' on numerous occasions so far this week, I've decided to partake in my own 'Event' this month. I'm calling it, 'Jocktober' It's easy! Anyone can do it! Basically, I'm going to drink whisky like a Scotsman until I fucking pass out and I'm no longer subject to the sobriety of a bunch of pathetic, irritating, sanctimonious cunts.

"You know what? It's bloody true what they say about dogs and how they're just like their owners!" Scowled the Wife. Well, I think that's what she said. To be fair, I was busy licking my bollocks at the time.

What's the difference between a feminist and a baby? The baby eventually grows up and stops crying.

Just popped to the shops in my car and I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a wanker. He just glared at me and started writing another ticket for having defective tyres. "Oi! Don't be a cunt!" I shouted, but still he didn't answer me. Then, just as he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first, he started writing a third ticket for an illegal exhaust! "You really are a fucking jobsworth ain't ya!" I shouted. This went on for about another ten minutes and the more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote and stuck on the car. I couldn't give a shit to be honest. My cars parked around the corner.

Met up with the ex tonight, really shouldn't have, but she was feeling sorry for herself and lonely. One thing led to another and we ended having some really passionate sex. Afterwards, we both just laid there, cuddling for a while. Then, the moment was ruined by the sight of a soggy, cum filled condom hanging off the end of my cock. What made it even more awkward, was the fact that I wasn't actually wearing one when we started.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with the pop group, 'The Communards' I said, "Don't leave me this way, I can't survive, I can't stay alive, without your love. Don't you leave me this way."

A woman went to the doctors today and asked for advice. "Doc, please help me." She sobbed. "Every time I open my legs, the song 'You'll never walk alone' sounds out for everyone to hear!" The doctor reassured her and told her that there was nothing to worry about. "It's quite common." He explained, "There are a load of cunts from England that sing that song on a regular basis."

A Paedophile, a sexist woman beating racist and Donald Trump were in a bar arguing with each other over who the most hated person in society must be. Then James Corden walked in.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Bob, I can't fucking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

Which member of the Spice Girls can drink petrol? Geri can.