Sickipedia

Met a nice Jewish girl in the club last night, at the end of the evening she asked if i would like her number. I told her "We don't do that anymore you can use your name now."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M8 near Govan. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have hijacked the Rangers team bus and are asking for a £100 million ransom otherwise they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.” “How much is everyone giving on average?” the driver asked. The man replied, “Roughly a gallon.”

To anyone suffering from paranoia Remember, you're not alone.

I bought 4 kindles from Amazon. But they sent me two Ronnie's DVD.

Spain vs england Winner keeps Jay Slater.

How did the two arsonists meet? A match on tinder.

Who's the best singer in space? Dean Martian

The Mafia get a bad rep, my neighbour growing up was in the Mafia and he'd let me start his car every morning.

I was showing off my new sports car to my girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "I said to her if I go 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" Yes she said with plenty of smiles And as I get up to 100 mph she took off her top, and bra.. then 150 mph she took off her leggings, and knickers.. then I go 200mph flat out. Unable to keep my eyes on the road, I look.over at her the car skidded onto some gravel, and flipped over. My naked girlfriend was thrown clear, but I was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" I cried. "She said but I can't. I'm naked, and my clothes are gone!" "I said here take my shoes", I said, "and cover you're fanny. Holding the shoes over her fanny, my girlfriend ran down the road, and found a service station. Still holding the shoes over her fanny she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Saying please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoes and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's too far."