Sickipedia

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.' 'What's that?', she said. 'It's a big building with kids in it.'

My gay son was sick of me making jokes about his sexuality, so he grabbed a kitchen knife and attacked me with it. I'm OK though, as he somehow managed to miss every vital organ. What a shit stabber!

Bloody wife's put a lock on the internet and I can't access any porn, so I've got nothing to masturbate to except an old Bon Jovi album cover. It's a tough wank, but whoooaa oohh, I'm halfway there. . .

Remember that TV show 'Bread'? I had a small roll in that.

I've heard rumours that Dave from work likes to secretly dress up as a homosexual English playwright, but he won't tell me who. I think he's being a complete Coward.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 'Red Dwarf'. I said, that's fine, as long as I get to keep the cat and still rim her occasionally.

I've started dating a girl who's doing a master's degree in literature. She asked me the other night what I thought about Poe. I told her I was a big fan of his early work, but I must say my favourite is now Tinky Winky.

I was once engaged to a female baker, but I had to call it off. She was too kneady.

Peter Dinklage has slammed the remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, calling it 'backwards'. I guess he'll be playing Grumpy then.

The girl who made a fortune selling her farts in jars has had to quit as her flatulent causing diet was giving her digestive problems. Just wait until her fans get wind of this.