Sickipedia

Why are people called Jeremy, such utter cunts? We've had: Clarkson, Corbyn, Hunt and now the biggest cunt of them all, Vine! Feel free to add to the list!

My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night. He was caught in a trap. Now he's always on my mind.

Fuck me! I've never known a site which allows so many fuckin' childish twats aboard! "My jokes are better than your jokes...." "I post more jokes than you...." "(****) is using loads of alias's to (either) upvote jokes or downvote others jokes...…" Well fuckery-do-dah!! WHO GIVES A SHIT? Only the kiddies that are arguing among themselves! No-one else gives a flying fuck! There's no end of year prizes! If I like a joke enough, I'll vote it up and if it's shite I'll vote it down. Just grow the fuck up and leave the grown-ups to the site! You know who you are! Oh, and you can down vote this for all I give a shit! It's not even a joke is it? Now fuck off and play on a railway line somewhere!

(Not mine!) A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari. The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid." "That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick". "Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef." The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers. "Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it". "Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff." Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache. "Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it". "I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here". "Never mind" says the bloke. "I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

The Maternity phoned me at work to say that my missus had gone into labour, where I was confronted by the doctor in charge. “I’m afraid there’s bad news.” “What bad news?” I yelled. “We can go down to the viewing room and you can see him through the glass.” We walked down and stopped at a cot. I saw a baby with a leg missing. “Is that him?” I asked. “No. He’s further along.” We came to another cot. There was a baby with no legs. “Oh my God! Is that him?” “I’m afraid it’s worse than that.” Said the doctor. Next was a baby with no legs and only one arm. “Oh no!” I screamed. “Not that one either.” Replied the doc. In the next one was a baby with no arms and no legs. “I don’t care! I’ll still love him!” I sobbed. “Not quite there yet.” Said the doctor. We came to a cot where just a head lay on the pillow. “He’s gorgeous! We’ll call him Eddie!” I said hopefully. “Er, no. It’s the next cot.” said the doc. I looked in. There on the pillow lay one tiny eyeball. “My son!” I yelled. “Look! It’s me, your Daddy!” The doctor clutched my arm and said, “I’m so sorry about this. But there’s worse.” “What can be worse than this?” I screamed. The doctor took a deep breath and said, “He’s blind.”

My gay mate, Richard, joined the Australian Navy. He thought he'd died and gone to Heaven when he first heard the order, "All hands on dick!"

It's not worth putting up comments about the twat genghis fuckin' whatever his number is. He is a troll. Nothing else. Sick little fuckers like this sit at their laptops all day feeding on other comments. It means they are being noticed. This is what they thrive on. It's because they have nothing else in their sad lives. The best thing to do is ignore the twat. He really won't like that!

I was standing in a public bogs taking a leak when this big black geezer rushes in, unzips, flops his enormous dick out and says "Phew! Just made it!" I just stared and said, "Fucking Hell mate! Could you make me one?"

Two nuns sharing a bath. One has a soul full of hope. The other has …………….

Geordie speak: Smirk – Something that a Geordie does with a cigarette. Jerk – Something that makes a Geordie laugh. Meat – A friend of a Geordie. Turk – To deliver speech. Work – A gentle stroll. Kirk – Something that keeps wine in a bottle.