Sickipedia

To my wife. I love doggies I love bacon I love beer I love brandy I love guitars. I love football I love motorbikes I love computers I love chocolate I love walking I love chips You say I never wrote you a love letter. There you go!

She should be grateful

I often get asked how we've stayed together for so long. Well we wouldn't split up because we'd hate to see each other happy, and I don't gag anymore when she Dutch ovens me. I get my own back though, the mouse traps on the bathroom floor that catch her tits in the dark is a good one, and making sure the toilet seat is loose when she has the runs. She gives as good as she gets though, coating my viagra with serious laxative was a good one, just try running to the crapper with a boner and sitting there! Still, love the old bag to bits. Last time I had a rectal exam, she sent the doctor one of her 'Toys' to assist him. That fucking hurt, I owe her for that. Anyway, be cunts to each other and never lose your sense of humour.

My wife gave birth to a black baby, far from being livid with her I could only think of all the money we were going to make from TV advertising work.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving." Credit: Facebook.

I use three in one oil instead of KY gel when having sex with the wife. It stops the whining noise from her mouth, it stops her minge creaking, and it clears the shit from the rusty starfish.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. I was the third man I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some difficulty when go for a piss though. Credit to original author.

In "Diversity Training" I ripped apart the gay fucking agenda. My colleagues laughed and said, "We have thought for years that you are gay." All that certainly took an unexpected turn when I then spent hours explaining that the big fat walrus-looking thing with a moustache that I am married to is in-fact a woman.

My wife asked me if she was any good in bed, "Well of course you are my darling, " I replied, "you don't snore or fart, you don't hog all the blankets, and best of all, you're fucking quiet for eight hours. "

It's been near two weeks of giving my wife weight loss jabs, and still no change.. I'll give it one more week, then I'll throw in some right hooks and uppercuts.