Sickipedia

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty pound notes."

The wife suggested if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table. Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place..

That bottle of Old Spice was fucking shit.. It did nothing to enhance the flavour of my Chicken curry.

Some years ago a flying saucer landed in a park in London. The alien got out, and to his horror saw he had landed on one of the earthlings squashing it flat. Being a peaceful friendly alien, he decided to save the creature, and put it back together, but having never seen a human he did what he could with the bits he could salvage, then took off to return and try first contact another day. The next day a man walking his dog found a pair of human buttocks alive and talking through it's sphincter. It said "blah blah blah brexit brexit bollocks" and that kids is how Boris Johnson was created.

Checkout girl at Tesco asked me "if I fancied a drink?" I said "thanks but I'm spoken for" She replied "as part of the meal deal you prick!"

"Do you have any change for a cup of tea?" "Yeah, try coffee."

BBC News - A man from Lancashire has been shot by police in Texas. Fuck me, that's one hell of a good shot.

I was looking at a jacket in a shop today and the sales woman asked if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had nice tits.

I can't believe it, fifty five years I've waited and it's finally happened. They did it, they actually fucking did it, I still can't believe it. The council have filled the pothole in outside my house.

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was. He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."