Sickipedia

I've heard from a reliable source that there is more bacteria on my kitchen work surfaces than there is on my toilet seat. Note to self: Stop shitting in the sink.

I asked the librarian for a book on constipation. She said, "It comes out in a week or two."

"It's time we talked about the elephant in the room," said my wife as I poured my 8th gin. "Shhh," I replied. "Not in front of Jumbo."

To my American friends. You say "Tom-ay-toes", we say "Tom-ah-toes". You say "Mos-cow", we say "Mos-co.". You say " 'erbs", we say "Herbs", Because there's a fucking "H" in it. Cheers Eddie.

"Strumming my pain with his fingers...Killing me softly with his song..." Oh no, sorry, that was Roberta...

A lot of TV adverts go completely over my head now I'm older. I'm sure a lot of young people don't understand them either but they're sitting there going, "Oooooh! Pretty lights..."

OK. The cunt's got me. I spend fucking ages trying to come up with jokes to amuse people. The first decent jokes I've come up with in days and cunting upvoter is here. Vapeman and the rest can't seem to get control, so fuck it.

Stealing clothes from washing lines. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

My girlfriend turned over angrily in bed. "You're only interested in one thing!" she exclaimed. "Can't we just cuddle?" "Yes, I know," I replied. "England need 15 off 8 balls to win. Now shut up and go to sleep."

My wife has stood by me for 40 years. Through my alcoholism and drug and gambling addictions, through many affairs, bouts of VD and, most recently, throughout my rape trial. Can someone please tell me what I've got to do to get rid of the bitch?