Sickipedia

I was watching Peppa Pig this morning and my wife just walks in and turns off the Tv.. How childish is that

Who needs a wife anyway... How hard can it be to boil a Toast

Do they know it's Christmas time at all.... I fucking hope so they're making my new shoes

I see they're now releasing Islam versions of the soaps in 2018... Middle-east enders, Nahmerdale, Popadoaks and Curryation street

Was walking down the street today when someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me from a passing car... Fucking Hellman

A blind man wonders into a girls biker bar by mistake. By the time he's found his way to the bar he sits down and orders a drink. Once he's got his drink he shouts out "hey who wants to hear a blonde joke?" the whole bar went silent and a woman came and sat down next to the blind man and said "feel free but before you do so let me just tell you that the woman behind the bar is blonde and holding a baseball bat. The two bouncers at the door are women bouncers who are blonde. I am blonde and so is my friend behind me and we're both black belts in Karate... Now are you sure you wonna tell this joke?".... "FUCK THAT" he said "i dont wonna have to explain it five times"

Wish people would realise how dangerous it is to use your mobile whilst driving.. Some idiot who was busy texting this morning had no idea i was coming towards them.. With that i had to slam my breaks! Not only did i strain my neck but i spilt my pint all over my legs and ruined my new Laptop!

They say drinking by yourself is considered a problem but drinking socially is fine... That's why i log into Facebook if i'm having a few cans

Three things to do before i die... 1) swim with Piranhas

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?' Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Trump turns to Sanders and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.’