Sickipedia

For my birthday present, my wife paid to have a star named after me. Leonardo DiCaprio is now known as Colin Braithwaite.

What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and a little old lady? The illegal immigrant isn't worried about his next fuel bill

Went to the Grenfell memorial yesterday, there were a fuck load of events organised, though I was surprised there wasn't a barbecue.....

I saw a guy in a funny hat give money away yesterday. Turned out he was an unorthodox Jew

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse.....

Apparently there's an antelope going around the Serengeti killing lions and drinking their blood. He's called Vlad the Impala.

You know my little sister? I bought her tassels for her bike. Annabelle? No, only the tassels

Was having a pint with my mate earlier and he was complaining about his walk to work every morning, so I said 'You can borrow my bike if it'll make it easier'. 'Fucking great' he said, 'Tell her to pick me up at seven tomorrow'

I've just bought the latest, most expensive sex doll on the market, they even say you can't tell it from the real thing. It came yesterday, so I unpacked it, charged it up and switched it on. The fucker said she had a headache....

I was just about to fuck my American girlfriend up the arse when she said, "You're not doing that, period." I asked, "Why not, question mark?"