Sickipedia

Apparently 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them. I tried it.... fucking goldfish died.

Was walking down the street earlier and saw my doctor get knocked down by a bus. ''Help me, please, help me' he pleaded. So I walked over and said 'Sorry, I'm busy right now, but take two aspirin and if it's not better by the morning phone for an appointment'.

Got home early from work and my wife shouted down from upstairs 'Come on up big boy, we've got to be quick before that miserable cunt shows up'. Funny really, I didn't even know her mother was coming around tonight..

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on. He was on crack, she was on blow.

I've got two adopted kids and they're just like chalk and cheese. One's pale with excema and the other's a greasy Chink.

Was walking through the woods when I found a suitcase. I looked inside and found three puppies, so I called the RSPCA. The woman on the other end of the line asked 'Are they moving'? I suppose that explains the suitcase...... Marc Gatland original

My mate said 'Put this shell to your ear, you can hear the ocean!' I said 'That's fuck all, put my wife's knickers on your head and you can smell it as well'.

I gave my mate from Essex a tip at the 3.30 at Kempton. I asked what did he wanted on it, and he said 'Just put a pony on it' Personally I think it'll do better if you just leave the jockey on it......

Someone told me that Clare Balding is gay. That's a load of bollocks, I saw him snogging a girl last night.

My mate asked me for another word that describes a deep hole filled with water. I thought 'Well'.............