Sickipedia

News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

665 The Neighbour of the Beast.

I like my girlfriends the way I like my porn. Stashed under the bed when the wife gets home.

I heard you can tell if your partner is having an affair by their excuses for being absent. I would tell my wife, but she’s taking the ferret to midnight yodelling lessons.

My landlord said he was giving me 48 hours to vacate his property. I wouldn’t mind, but it isn’t even my favourite Eddie Murphy movie.

I’m not saying I’m dumb, but in school I got more C’s than a Spanish couple reaching mutual orgasms.

Get an ant farm, train them to farm corn. Once your business becomes locally known, expand. Buy more ants, and more farms. Experiment with crop rotation. Eventually after a few months your ant farm will be the most successful in the country. Then, you are ready for step two. Introduce bullet ants into the colony. They are the more dominant species, so naturally will enslave the more common ants that you have been breeding for the past few months. Production will rise yet again, and under the strict rule of your bullet ants the production of ant-cotton will become your staple crop. Eventually, however, some will come to realise just how badly the bullet ants are treating the common ones. They will call for the abolition of ant slavery, and in a period of weeks, ant civil war will break out within the confines of your now expansive ant farms. Many will die, brothers will fight brothers, but eventually, the anti-slave ants will be victorious. Then you can pour water on them and watch them drown lol

I always have a childish laugh to myself when I hear the words ‘penal colony’. Ha! Imagine that. A colony for peas.

Tower Hamlets council have received complaints that the district of Whitechapel should be renamed because it is 'racially insensitive'. I sent in an alternative name which I hope gathers traction. Pakimosque.

One passenger in seat 11A survives Indian plane crash, reports say. According to reports, he was found when his trembling hand emerged from the wreckage, and he shouted, “We’re still open!”