Sickipedia

I described my feminist daughter as, "Just imagine if Greta Thunberg somehow instantly gained 275 lbs, and also grew a wispy moustache." According to the police though, I'm making a compelete mockery of the missing-persons report.

I was in the bedroom and going at my wife hard from behind. "Thrust harder, thrust harder !" she screamed, "OH yes, the Lube is working !" And then three seconds later, the fat bitch finally popped through our door frame.

I talked to my wife whilst I was using an Ouija board. "Get the fuck in the kitchen and get dinner on," I said to the fat hog as I sat trying to contact my deceased father.

This guy Geoff from my work came by and met my big humongous wife for the first time. He pulled me aside and said, "Jesus Christ Jim, you're really punching below your weight married to this absolutely fat miserable minging hippo-lady... I honestly think you could leave her and marry someone much fitter... Are you really serious that this woman is the best you can do ?" "Sadly it is," I replied, as I instantly took down my trousers and showed him my absolutely pathetic half-inch micro-penis.

I was against it at first when my big obese daughter announced she was going to get a nose ring. I saw it though and then thought, "Meh, if she's going to eat like a pig, she might as well look like one too."

It's honestly amazing to me the kind of random damage that kids aged 7 - 12 can cause. It's really inconvenient for someone like me that's trying to run an overseas sweatshop.

I saw this faggot wearing a wig and asked him, "Oi, Tranny boy, what do you "identify" as ?" "A judge," he replied, as my trial got off to an abysmal start.

The wife and I had our "Couples Monopoly Night" on Saturday, and as usual our passive-aggressive sniping quickly blew up into an all-out war. I said to my wife, "For your piece why don't you be the steam-iron... it suits you as you're so doddering and matronly and always pressing my shirts !"... and then I said, "I'll be the race car, as I'm always the race car." My wife replied, "Darling, you should really be the thimble, as that's the exact size of the pathetic little nubber you call your micropenis."

I was massively pissed off when yesterday this bloke called me a "Motherfucker." I wasn't upset a couple minutes later though when I considered all the times I actually have had carnal relations with my own mother.

I'm at the airport and just entered a restroom with a sign on the door that says, "This bathroom needs attention." So before I left, I made sure to hug the toilet and say, "Who's a good ceramic boy."