Sickipedia

"In other news, a local 27 year old woman has gone missing. Unfortunately, we only have her online dating photo, so we have no idea what she actually looks like...."

My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

Before proposing to my chav girlfriend, I asked her dad for permission. "Sir, I want to marry your daughter." "Can you support a family?" "Yes, sir." "Good. There's nine of us."

Jewish dad: "Here's 10 quid, but don't tell your mother." Jewish son: "It'll cost you more than that."

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

After decades of hoping, praying and dreaming, I'm gutted today. Richard Branson is still alive.

Report: Delta variant excited to compete against other mutations at Summer Olympics.

News: Scottish alcohol deaths at highest level since 2008. To be fair, records are made to be broken.

Having lived during a plague, I now understand why renaissance paintings were of fat topless birds lying on couches.

Since they call Australia "The Land Down Under" Shouldn't they call Scotland "The Land Hung Over?"