Sickipedia

News: "Shrek" and "The Dark Knight" added to US National Film Registry. Big deal. I was added to a government registry this year, too.

Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

The wife insisted we rid the house of unwanted clutter. So I put it all in Amazon boxes and left them on our doorstep.

I notice that women in Japanese porn don't talk much. They're too busy crying.

PUNS 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class as a weapon of maths disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it remains stationery. 6. A dog gave birth in the park and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole was found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

MORE PUNS 14. Lawn sign at a drugs rehab center: Keep Off The Grass. 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes. 19. When cannibals eat a missionary, they get a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger." 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One says, "Dam!" 23. Infidelity is a sin. You can't have your Kate and Edith too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I’ve lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive." 25. Buddhists who refuse painkillers during a root canal seek to transcend dental medication.

Before proposing to my chav girlfriend, I asked her dad for permission. "Sir, I want to marry your daughter." "Can you support a family?" "Yes, sir." "Good. There's nine of us."

Since they call Australia "The Land Down Under" Shouldn't they call Scotland "The Land Hung Over?"

Irony: When you live in Texas, and have to "boil your tap water" before drinking. Without heat or electricity.

White vowels: A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y Black vowels: I O U? Y?