Sickipedia

A man walks into a library and says, "Excuse me, have you got any books on Self Help?" The librarian replies, "Yes we have but if I tell you where they are, it would be defeating the purpose really."

Me and my mate took some speed and stayed up all night playing 'Name That Tune'. It was a bit shit really because there's only 4 flavours. (Bumble)

I dropped my 12 year old son off at school this morning, but all the way there he kept moaning and saying things like, "Dad, why can't I just walk to school like my mates do?" And, "Dad, this is so embarrassing! They're all pointing at me and laughing." I told him not to worry and that everyone was just jealous because they weren't sitting on their dad's shoulders. (Silversprint)

A distressed woman goes to the doctors to ask for advice on a personal matter. He asks what her problem is, and she replies: "For the last 6 months, when my husband and I go to bed, he has to suck on one of my nipples every night to be able to go to sleep. " The doctor replies: "And how is this such a problem?" " we sleep in separate rooms." (Unknown)

A chef goes into a butcher's shop and says to the chap behind the counter, "Have you got a pig's head?" The man replies, "No mate, I was blown up in the Falkland's War."

A Jewish kid asked his dad if he could have 50 pence. His dad bellowed, "40 Pence! What do want 30 pence for!? Okay then, here's your 20 pence, now bugger off." (Unknown)

I recently gave a talk to a group of back packers. They were on the edge of their seats. (Author unknown)

Whenever we're having fish fingers for tea, the missus always stupidly asks me if I want 4 or 6?" Duh! I want 15 for fuck sake.

As I kissed her gently on the lips...she crossed her legs and broke my fucking glasses. (Author unknown)

I must be getting old. I thought 'Instagram' was a term for a reliable drug dealer. (Arthur Smith)