Sickipedia

"What do we want!?" "HEARING AIDS!" "When do we want them!?" "HEARING AIDS!" (Radio 4 Extra)

I've been accused of plagiarism. Their words not mine. (Stu Francis)

A man would take his dog for a walk every morning, and his new next door neighbour couldn't help but notice that instead of the dog cocking up one leg to have a piss, the dog would stand up full height on his back legs and put both paws on the side of whatever building to balance himself and then do his piss. The neighbour was most intrigued so he asked him why his dog behaved in such a weird way. The man replied, "He's been like that ever since a wall fell on him." (Bernard Manning?)

A postage stamp makes an excellent poster for a patriotic ant. #vizclassicsbandwagon

I was sunbathing in my garden and some twat walked past the fence and called me 'council house scum'. I wanted to grip the cunt but I tripped over a mattress and banged my head on a disused washing machine. (Megameatballs)

I lost my hair when I was 21. What a fucking card game that was. (Mick Miller)

A man walks into a library and says, "Excuse me, have you got any books on Self Help?" The librarian replies, "Yes we have but if I tell you where they are, it would be defeating the purpose really."

I must be getting old. I thought 'Instagram' was a term for a reliable drug dealer. (Arthur Smith)

As I kissed her gently on the lips...she crossed her legs and broke my fucking glasses. (Author unknown)

Me and my mate took some speed and stayed up all night playing 'Name That Tune'. It was a bit shit really because there's only 4 flavours. (Bumble)