Sickipedia

Just seen a dating profile: Looking for a man who has his own house & a good job. Also needs to have a huge penis. Must be over 6ft. Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely nobody has a cock that big?

LYNX: UNBEATABLE PROTECTION FOR MEN Honestly can’t wait to pull a can of that out of my pocket when I’m getting mugged.

My wife lost our baby last night. Her addiction to poker is getting way out of hand.

It has just been announced that Sinead O’Connor has died. She actually died on the 11th July. It’s been 7 hours and 15 days.

“So, I understand that you have an issue with your genitals?” asked my doctor. “Yes,” I replied, “My left one is bigger than my right one.” “That’s perfectly normal,” he laughed, “This is common in most men!” “That’s a relief,” I said, “And there was me thinking that nobody else had two cocks.”

I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot." Cheesiest line ever.

My 15-year-old daughter just asked me if her boyfriend can sleep over tonight. "CAN HE FUCK!" I replied. She said, "Yes, really well."

Just called my mate at work and he said that he hasn’t stopped all day. Lovely bloke. Shit bus driver though.

My mate asked me, "If you were offered £10,000 to have sex with your mum, what would you do?" I said, "It's a tricky one but I'd probably buy a new car."

Ed Sheeran’s new song reminds me of the girl I pulled in a club last night. I must’ve also been dancing with my eyes closed.