Sickipedia

I had a blind date last night. "What do you hate most about your body?" I asked. "My legs." She replied, "What about you?" I said, "Your face."

I’m not saying that my son’s new girlfriend is ugly, but she just knocked on our door and I handed her some Haribo’s.

My 15-year-old daughter just asked me if her boyfriend can sleep over tonight. "CAN HE FUCK!" I replied. She said, "Yes, really well."

If I had £1 for every time I’ve been mugged I’d have fuck all.

Just called my mate at work and he said that he hasn’t stopped all day. Lovely bloke. Shit bus driver though.

Due to severe contamination, South West Water are encouraging everybody in the area to boil their water before drinking it. Not only do the residents have severe diarrhoea, but they now have a mouthful of blisters.

I've just met a guy in the pub and he started talking about tattoos. He said, I've got my 4 year old son tattooed on the left arm, and my 2 year old daughter tattooed on the right arm. Cruel bastard.

Just seen a dating profile: Looking for a man who has his own house & a good job. Also needs to have a huge penis. Must be over 6ft. Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely nobody has a cock that big?

You won't fucking believe this. Am I seeing things? I've just put the TV on and there are loads of black men running through London without a knife or handbag in sight.

I was having sex with my 12 year old daughter last night when I suddenly realised that she was still wearing socks. How fucked up is that?