Sickipedia

I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot." Cheesiest line ever.

I was showing off my pull-ups in the gym this morning when I suddenly thought to myself, “I should’ve worn boxers today.”

My wife lost our baby last night. Her addiction to poker is getting way out of hand.

LYNX: UNBEATABLE PROTECTION FOR MEN Honestly can’t wait to pull a can of that out of my pocket when I’m getting mugged.

Apparently the Queen watched the London event today from Windsor Castle. Good on her! I fucking wish I had eyesight like that.

I once shouted out to Cristiano Ronaldo, "CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR SHIRT WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED?" He just looked at me like I was some sort of twat. And so did everybody else in the restaurant.

My wife was sat in the garden today and said, “It’s so bloody hot. Can you pour some water over my head?” I said, “Yes, no problem. I’ll put the kettle on.”

My next door neighbour pulled onto her driveway today and said It's just cost me £100 to be filled up. I slipped my hands into knickers and said I'll do it for nothing.

My mate asked me whether I'd have sex with my own nan for £10,000. "Of course I would." I replied, "But unfortunately I don't have £10,000.“

Aggressively inserting my wife’s tampon for her is not my favourite thing to do, but it’s definitely up there.