Sickipedia

My girlfriend forgot to flush the toilet after taking a really big shit. Bad move."It won't fit" just isn't going to cut it as an excuse anymore.

She: You are too immature. I can't handle it anymore, I need a break. Me: Have a kitkat.

Science build planes and skyscrapers. Religion brings them together.

Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You also come with us." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high."

What do you call a muscular Arab? Protein Sheikh

My first time buying condoms at age 16 I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time." She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. "Just a minute," she said, and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. You like these?" I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. "Come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW, I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked "Did you put the condom on?" I said, "I sure did!" and held up my thumb to show her.