Sickipedia

I was sentenced to 3 months in prison. Despite everything I remained upbeat. I used to sing in the shower:- "I've got a lovely bunch of..." Now I've been released:- "...Grapes"

My cousin is currently serving a life term in the USA for being a "Pedophile" As a Brit I find it a bit harsh for someone who loves feet!

Trying to prove you aren't racist to a Chinaman can go Bradley Wong!

I met someone online. She seemed nice, said she liked eating out. So took her to the poshest place in town and it was really expensive.Had a lovely meal. At the end I paid the bill and then she said "That was nice. But can you eat me out now?"

My wife was murdered while I was walking the dog. I came home and this bloke said "If you give me an alibi, I'll give you one". So i told the cops he was with me at the time. When they left he fucked me really hard up the arse.

"Will you still need me Will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?" I am over halfway there and she can't even bring me a fucking sandwich and a pint while the match is on.

"Elton, when will you next sleep with a woman?" "Well I think its gonna be a long long time"

My grandmother worked at Cashsen fur Clothesehn in the 40s. She said " I fink Hitler ist ein bad man. I'll never forgive him for those twelve million shoes."

I have decided to charge the government a million quid for every street light that stops me from sleeping. Pole tax

Wife texted me "WTF U doing cookin bacon @ 4.30am?" I replied "Just making an early start on your 9 course breakfast, fat cunt"