Sickipedia

I was chatting to this Muslim in our street. I said "your wife wears a burqa, your 3 daughters all wear burqas, doesn't it get a bit confusing around the house?" He said "yes of course, last week I went upstairs in the night and accidentally had sex with my wife!"

I was just abouts to raise my glass to the poor people that lost their lives in the recent London fire. Then I thought better not, they've already been toasted

Went to my daughters netball finals the other day. What a semi!

Just had a good night out down the pub so I jumped in a taxi and said "take me to where I can get my cock sucked for a tenner mate" Bit gutted when he took me to our house

A Scottish woman comes home early and catches her husband in bed having sex with a welly. She shouted "Hamish! Stop fucking a boot!"

Why are there so many black people in Milton Keynes? Because if you rearrange the letters they spell LET MONKEYS IN

The Empire Strikes Back

I came downstairs at 3 in the morning because I heard noises. I got down and saw a burgler shining a torch about. I said to him "what do you think you're doing?" He said "I'm looking for money, jewellery or anything expensive I can sell" I said "well turn that light on and we'll both have a look"

What's a Scouser girl got in common with a nice firm toned arse? They both come from squats

Jordan you're a spokesperson for online bullying and you even write children's books. What else is there for you to do? "Well you know like I wanna be on a popular kids tv show where I can talk about my books" Blue Peter? "Yes I did actually"