Sickipedia

Not a joke a rant, apologies chaps. To all the new genuine users who have voted my post up in the last 24 hours thanks and welcome to the site. Contribute something however odd or obscure it may be,get thinking and good luck. To the remaining new users who are trying to destroy the site with their multiple accounts and vote manipulation you know who you are . FFS find something better to do with your time than sitting in your crummy flat at 2am creating multiple accounts. Try getting a job, most of us work and come on here to alleviate the boredom of work and try to have a laugh. Failing that hopefully a rogue batch of skag will finish you off . Comments open.

Do divers have to keep a fathom apart. Podiatrists Six feet apart. Dominatrixs one rod. Comments open for banter and further suggestions.

He won't do the decent thing and resign he is far too arrogant for that. In fact, the only sword he will fall on or has fallen on is a pork one. Allegedly...

Is it just me or has the cat got fat over Christmas asked the wife. No, it's just you... Anyone gotta sofa I can kip on for a couple of nights?

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, I unleashed the macgyver in me and improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet. I could only get 5% off. Taxi.

Impersonate an african/asian caregiver by incompetently driving and endangering other road users by randomly pulling out of junctions into oncoming traffic or turning without indication. To complete the look the ideal car for this is a Nissan mirca, Toyota yaris, or vauxhall nova.

No lives would have been lost at all, if the grenfell residents truly had stayed put.

Dear moderators, Kindly remove my wife from my timeline Thanks

The mother in law collapsed round ours yesterday, the wife handed me a mirror because she didn't think she was breathing. Look at it see if you can see breath on it ,is it misting up she screamed. My worst fears were confirmed,no reflection.