Sickipedia

When my wife came back from work, I blindfolded her, led her upstairs, and span her around a few times. We stopped and she opened her eyes. That gave my girlfriend enough time to get dressed and sneak out through the back door.

As I sat down in a restaurant, I lit my cigarette. A waitress walked up to me, rolled her eyes and said, "You're smoking!" "Thanks," I smirked. "You're not so bad yourself."

I woke up from my anasthetic and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a fag. "Blimey!" I said. "I knew never you smoke, doc." "I do..." he replied with a smile, "... especially after I've had sex."

I accidentally walked in on my daughter changing her clothes. "Don't worry, dad," she said. "Just act naturally." So I started wanking.

I've started eating the wife's food so that I can get used to the taste before I get sentenced to prison next month

My mum caught me with a box of tissues, my pants were around my ankles. "It better not be what I think it is," She said. "Mum, I've been wanking," I confessed. 'Oh! Thank fuck for that!" She cried. " I thought you had shit your pants again!"

I was in bed with my wife last night. "Are you thinking of another woman?!" she snapped. Shocked, I asked, "What makes you say that?" "You have have an erection," she replied.

Tired of fucking the missus in missionary position, I decided to try something different. I fucked her sister instead.

My son said, "Dad, can l date Susan from next door?" "No, you can't!" I snarled. "There's no benefit." "But Dad I'm 18," he sighed "I know," I replied, "but she's a frigid bitch."

Some bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "I have a thing for your next door neighbour." I said, "Okay." "Can you help me and talk to her then?" He continued.