Sickipedia

I woke up from my anasthetic and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a fag. "Blimey!" I said. "I knew never you smoke, doc." "I do..." he replied with a smile, "... especially after I've had sex."

My wife says she likes to eat chocolates after a good meal cos it makes the meal more memorable. While I can see her point, I've so far discovered that going off to a brothel after we've had sex doesn't fit into that logic.

Some bastard poured helium over me this morning. I didn't know how to react.

When my daughter lost three teeth, I crept into her bedroom and slid my fingers underneath her pillow. I was desperate for a pint and I'm fucking skint.

I started masturbating when I was a teenager. No thanks to my parents. They forced me into an early marriage.

I was in bed with my wife last night. "Are you thinking of another woman?!" she snapped. Shocked, I asked, "What makes you say that?" "You have have an erection," she replied.

I accidentally walked in on my daughter changing her clothes. "Don't worry, dad," she said. "Just act naturally." So I started wanking.

As I felt something go up my ass, I tutted, "Do you mind?!" "You're here for a prostate exam," the doctor reminded me. "I know," I replied, "but why are you using your penis?"

Can't believe I scored 0, 0, 1, 1 in my computer test. I'm in bits.

I've started eating the wife's food so that I can get used to the taste before I get sentenced to prison next month