Sickipedia

I Jumped into a bucket of creosote earlier today, no particular reason, just thought I'd treat myself

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction. Where exactly did you apply it? he asked. I said, On the bus

A farmer gets a phone call from his son who says: Dad, I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor but it’s still alive, what should I do ? Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it where no one will find it. 20mins later he gets another call from his son who says: I’ve done that dad, now what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike ?

I've just bought an invisible baseball bat off eBay & I can't wait for it to be delivered. The wife’s not gonna know what's hit her

I bought a race horse the other day and called it my face, I don’t care if it doesn't win or make me any money whatsoever. all I want is to hear all those posh tarts at ascot shouting "come on my face" ! ! ! !

This being self employed malarkey isn’t all it’s cracked up to be mind. I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them out

With the cold snap well and truly upon us and the paths round our way being so treacherous, I’ve just knocked on my elderly next door neighbour to see if she needed anything from the shops. Turned out she did, so I gave her a list of stuff to get for me as well. Seems daft both of us going out when it’s so cold and icy.

What a bunch of lying twats Network Rail are. So, the sign on the platform read: If you stand to close to the edge you'll get sucked off - 4 hours I was stood there !!

Right, now don’t get me wrong, I'm NOT saying Sunderland is a shithole or anything like that. But I was walking along the high street this morning and there was a bloke selling fake primark gear

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, I wouldn’t care, but he's actually a really good vet.