Sickipedia

I always thought my gran had really bad piles because of the way she walks. Turns out she just loves anal.

I use to love my grans homemade bread. Then she told me where she got the yeast from.

I went to see the local priest today. I asked him to say a prayer for my ill mother-in-law. Apparently, they only do that if you want them to get better.

I stand firm with Israel. War always give me an erection.

What did one Muslim say to another Muslim? I don't know, I don't speak the language. But I reckon it was something to do with fucking goats, though.

If you want to smack your kids, but not leave a mark. I find a good quality oven glove works best.

Keir Starmer, "We all stand with the people of Liverpool." The last time I stood with the people of Liverpool I lost my fucking wallet.

I nearly ended up having unprotected sex last night. But, I remembered at the last second. To turn off the baby monitor.

My wife rang me. I said, "I don't get a fucking minutes piece. I'm right in the middle of having a shit." She said, "Sorry, how was I supposed to know you're on the toilet?" I said, "I'm not, I'm in the bath."

I've just found out, if you join all the dots on a dalmatian with a black marker pen. It doesn't wash off.