Sickipedia

My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit I was genuinely pleased to see her. I'm an undertaker.

If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? People with Down Syndrome.

My granddad had a stroke on the bus today. The woman sat next to him, gave him a fucking black eye.

My wife's not talking to me because I stuck it in the wrong hole last night. Her sister's.

My Jewish neighbour was flogging a fridge, so I popped round to have a look at it. "Why has it got a hole drilled through the door?" I asked. He said, "I wanted to make sure the light was turning off."

I teach mentally disabled children. They're all different race, creeds and colours. Or as I like to call them, 'mixed veg'.

I said to my son, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm off to meet a girl." I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know." He said, "What?" I said, "You know." He said, "Do you mean a condom?" I said, "No, a fucking hat, you ginger cunt."

My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?" "I'm at my anger management class." "How's it going?" "Not good, I'll fill you in later."

There are times when I wish I had a sister. Like when I'm bumming my brother.

I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.