Sickipedia

The Queen's final words: "I'm coming, Philip...for the first time since 1963." (Other suggestions?)

When you're out celebrating tonight, spare a thought for the Irish, Scottish and Welsh. Then order another pint and have a fucking good laugh at their expense.

Still can't believe the Canadian "non-binary" person who wants surgery to have a penis and a vagina. If I wanted to see a dick and a cunt in the same place I'd watch Saturday night takeaway.

According to the BBC, 7% of all relationships are inter-racial. As compared to TV commercials, where the figure is about 99.8.

A lorryload of stone toilets was hijacked this afternoon. Police say they have nothing concrete to go on.

So Boris was hosting a quiz at last year's infamous Christmas party. Question 1: what kind of C is he?

Emma Smart, the Insulate Britain protestor who has been jailed for breach of injunction, has announced she is starting a hunger strike. I am sending her support: a subscription to Weight Watchers, links to anorexia websites for teenage girls, and a biography of Karen Carpenter. That should sort it.

The French clergy have abused 216,000 children since 1950, a report has claimed. Mind you, it omits to point out that they had just come off the ration.

I caught my wierdo son fucking a packet of custard creams. He really takes the biscuit.

I got fired from my factory job packing alarm clocks. At the Job Centre, I was asked, "What kind of things did you work with?" I replied, "Ticking boxes." I start work in the BBC Drama department on Monday.