Sickipedia

The Queen's final words: "I'm coming, Philip...for the first time since 1963." (Other suggestions?)

When you're out celebrating tonight, spare a thought for the Irish, Scottish and Welsh. Then order another pint and have a fucking good laugh at their expense.

Still can't believe the Canadian "non-binary" person who wants surgery to have a penis and a vagina. If I wanted to see a dick and a cunt in the same place I'd watch Saturday night takeaway.

According to the BBC, 7% of all relationships are inter-racial. As compared to TV commercials, where the figure is about 99.8.

A lorryload of stone toilets was hijacked this afternoon. Police say they have nothing concrete to go on.

So Boris was hosting a quiz at last year's infamous Christmas party. Question 1: what kind of C is he?

Emma Smart, the Insulate Britain protestor who has been jailed for breach of injunction, has announced she is starting a hunger strike. I am sending her support: a subscription to Weight Watchers, links to anorexia websites for teenage girls, and a biography of Karen Carpenter. That should sort it.

I caught my wierdo son fucking a packet of custard creams. He really takes the biscuit.

I got fired from my factory job packing alarm clocks. At the Job Centre, I was asked, "What kind of things did you work with?" I replied, "Ticking boxes." I start work in the BBC Drama department on Monday.

"Prince" Andrew's coming year will be celebrated by a series of Radio 3 Gilbert and Sullivan productions. Now that he's opted for Trial By Jury, everyone will get to hear how he produced Ruddigore from the snatches of all the underage girls he fucked. With some Patience, we'll eventually see him encarcerated by The Yeoman Of The Guard.