Sickipedia

My son's school rang me today. They said, "Your son was caught fingering a 5 year-old girl behind the classroom today. I'm afraid the police are involved now." "Filthy bastards," I replied.

My wife caught me cheating while playing monopoly. She dropped the dice and found me fingering her sister.

I was in the pub with my mate last night when he said to me, "Look, mate, I've been having an affair and my wife's getting suspicious. If she asks, I was with you last night." I nodded. "No problem." A minute later, his wife came into the pub and said straight at me. "Dave wasn't home last night - I think he was shagging some slag!" "No, he wasn't," I replied immediately, winking at him. "He was shagging me."

I took a girl back to my place last night. An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick." "I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied. There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"

"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked. Shocked, I said. 'Why would you ask me that?" "Because you have VR glasses on," she replied.

I was watching porn at the highest volume at work today, when my boss approached me. “Could you fucking turn that down?!” he snapped. “Not in my wildest dreams,” I replied, “Have you seen those tits?”

My girlfriend said to me when I picked her up from work today. "When was the last time you had sex with someone that wasn't me?" I said, "Before we met." She smiled. "Aw really? That's so sweet." "Yes," I replied, "About 20 minutes ago."

Watching as the wife breastfed our child got me horny. I said to her, "You mind if I have a go after, honey?" She giggled and winked. "Of course you can. Come on, I'm finished already." "Alright, hand him over," I said.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me. I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking.

"Wrong hole!" said my wife during sex last night. "Oh, sorry, "I said, pulling out, "Easy mistake." "Just get that thing out of my ear, Yuri!" she barked.