Sickipedia

I walked in on my wife in her nightwear last night watching a Nicolas Cage movie. I said, "Jesus, could you put someone else on?" She said, "Why?" I said, "You look fucking hideous."

I walked in on my daughter naked this morning. "I thought I locked the door!" she said, covering herself up. "Right, you did!" I replied, as I shut the window behind me.

Tired of my wife calling me stupid, I got up and declared I was leaving her. So I packed my bags and headed towards the door. She soon burst into laughter as the stewardess told me to get back in my seat.

I knocked on my neighbour's door today. I said, "About your missing cat poster... I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news." He sighed. "Gimme the bad news first." "Burnt to ashes last I checked," I replied, "Saw it happen with my own eyes." "Oh gosh!" he cried, dropping on both knees. I waited, watching as he finally stopped crying, got up and said, "What could possibly be the good news?" "I could make you another one," I replied, taking a sheet of paper out.

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'" "You're still fucking fired!" my boss replied.

"I'm gay," announced my son at the dinner table. Instinctively, I took my belt out. "Dad, beating me will never make me change my mind," he declared. "Change?" I replied, "About fucking time someone sucked me off in this house."

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting. They are. It's called wrestling.

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting. They are. It's called wrestling.

I think my wife has been feeding the dog. It just passed out in a pool of its own vomit.

I blame myself for the death of my wife. Strangled the cunt.