Sickipedia

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog? The hedgehog has it's pricks on the outside.

A new priest takes over from Father O'Mally when he retires. During the change over he asks about confessions and in particular the penances he needs to give. 'Don't worry about that Father Peter, there is a list on the inside of the confession box.' Says Father O'Mally. And off he goes. Two days later, a 16 year old Mary, confesses that she gave her boyfriend a blow job. Father Peter looks down the list of penance and can't find blow job, cock sucking or fellatio anywhere. Starting to panic, he sticks his head out of the curtain and seeing an altar boy, he calls him over. " Hey what did Father O' Mally normally give for a blowjob?" he asks the altar boy. " A Kit-kat, a bag of sweets and a fiver"

What does an Essex girl say after sex? Are you all in the same football team?

I was in my local pub the other night and a pretty looking, lone student came in. After a while she still hadn't gone to the bar, so feeling generous, I walked up and quietly, asked her, if I could buy her a drink, until her friends arrived. "FUCK OFF, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT" she screamed and slapped me hard in the face. I went back to my table, scarlet with embarrassment, as all my friends and neighbours had witnessed the incident. Just as I was about to leave, she came up to me and quietly explained that she was a Sociology student and had acted as she had, because she was conducting a sociological experiment on public attitudes and reactions to sexual exploitation and endemic aggression. I told her that I totally understood and shouted: "FIFTY QUID FOR A BLOWJOB, YOU CHEAP, FUCKING WHORE?"

I used to be a black cab driver and one night had a fat bird as a fair. When I got her to her door , she admitted that she had no money. She lifted her skirt and pulled her knickers to one side. Pointing at her snatch, she said "You can take it out of that." Catching my breath, I said "Ain't you got anything smaller love?"

I dropped the wife off at Debenhams on Saturday and while walking past an alley I saw a madam outside a brothel. "Want some fun mate?" she said. 'How much love?' "Twenty Quid" I looked in my wallet and only had a fiver. 'What do I get for a fiver?' "You won't get anything decent for a fiver" she said. So I went for a pint instead. An hour later I picked up the missus and was walking her to the car when I saw the madam on the other side of the street. "Told you , you wouldn't get anything decent for a fiver" She laughed.

What are the 3 things a black man never has? A Black eye. A thick lip. A job

I just saw an advert for toilet cleaner that kills all known germs DEAD ... Kills 99% of all germs. Why? I have no intention of eating my fucking dinner off it !

When it comes to bog paper. I Don't care how long it is, or how soft it is, as long as my fingers don't end up in my arse while using it. I'm happy.

How many Jews did it take to screw in a lightbulb? None as it was a bayonet fitting you anti-semite