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Paddy: I found God while I was in prison. Murphy: Oh, so that's where he's been.

Dear recent graduates, If you used AI to get your degree, And then lost your job to a robot, That's on you.

I'm what they call a "functioning alcoholic." As long as my liver is functioning, I'm an alcoholic.

Say what you want about the explosion at a Tennessee factory that killed 19 people. At least they're hiring.

And in financial news . . . Atlantic Feather Company had another down day. United Lettuce closed ahead. Titanic Salvage sank rapidly. Ginsu Knife rose sharply. UK Pencil Company lost a few points. RyanAir went sky high. Huggies Nappies remained unchanged. Cushelle touched a new bottom. And Trump Enterprises hit a new low.

Paddy: "The doctor says I'm bipolar." Murphy: "You've been to both the North Pole and the South Pole?"

Yesterday in Alaska, I told Trump where he could go, told PUtin where he could park it, and told JD Vance to follow me. I love being an usher at important events.

Paddy: "Do you believe in life after death?" Murphy: "I'm not sure, but I believe in death after life."

"It's Your Word Against Mine." Is my new book on Scrabble strategy.

I call my son Spasm. He's an involuntary jerk.