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Why does this look like Bart Simpson's haircut?

As an American, I never imagined I'd be in a prison in Honduras. But that's what happens when you book a flight on ICE Airlines.

It's getting so cold, the flashers in town are handing out written descriptions.

"Hello, this is Vladimir Putin. I would like to speak with Nicolas Maduro." "Hello?" "Hello?" "I do not understand. . . . he is where?"

My domineering girlfriend knows how to turn me on. She puts me under the pedestal.

BBC: Trump strikes on Venezuelan boats have killed at least 83 people so far. Not bad for someone tipped to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I don't have kids. But I enjoy raising girlfriends.

And in financial news . . . Atlantic Feather Company had another down day. United Lettuce closed ahead. Titanic Salvage sank rapidly. Ginsu Knife rose sharply. UK Pencil Company lost a few points. RyanAir went sky high. Huggies Nappies remained unchanged. Cushelle touched a new bottom. And Trump Enterprises hit a new low.

Paddy: "The doctor says I'm bipolar." Murphy: "You've been to both the North Pole and the South Pole?"

Say what you want about the explosion at a Tennessee factory that killed 19 people. At least they're hiring.