Sickipedia

Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!" I said, "How about Werthers?"

Recent records show that 58% of marriages end in misery... The other 42% get divorced.

I took an Ethiopian bird out for a meal last night, when the starter came she looked at it and said, "Waiter, waiter, excuse me, but there doesn't appear to be any flies in my soup!"

Proof the human race is devolving... Year 1500: "Hey there, young lady, who's your favourite artist?" "What a great question that you asked, kind Sir... I think, given his feverishly inventive imagination, and the sheer unquenchable curiosity of the man, I'd have to say, the great, Leonardo Da Vinci..." Fast forward to 2018... "Yo, who's your favourite artist?" "Justin Bieber, all day long, innit."

I saw two women throwing some shapes to my rave music outside my house today, so I decided to go out and join them. "Yes, yes, ladies," I said, shuffling my feet and waving my hands in the air, "you like a bit of techno?" They both stopped and stared at me like I was some looney... Turns out they were both deaf.

A vegan girl just posted a picture of a cow on Facebook, she'd written underneath, "How do you eat these poor, defenceless animals.." I replied, "I can't speak for everyone, but personally, I like mine with, mixed veg, tatties and gravy..."

My daughter, the proud school football cheerleader, came down the stairs this morning, I said, "Give me an E.." She said, "E" "Give me and F.." "F" "Give me another E.." "E" "Give me a U" "U" "And another E..." "E.." "What have we got?" She said, "That doesn't spell anything, dad.." I said, "I know, I just opened your exam results."

Ali was affecting us all at work today, we had to close all of the windows, and... he wasn't wearing any deodorant!

I've never ordered from a Chinese takeaway before, until now... Does anybody know what this little bag of polystyrene is for?

Me and my wife were both a bit worse for wear last night when she said, "Ive got a surprise for you..." A few moments later she emerged from the bathroom, naked, "Fancy trying some anal?" She asked seductively. "No, thanks," I replied, "I'm not that drunk." "Suit yourself." She said as she waddled back out with her 12 inch strap on.