Sickipedia

We all have to tell a white lie now and then, for example.. I was flicking through Facebook, when I came across a photo of an old school friend, that's just been through chemo.. All the comments were like, 'You look beautiful, hun!' What they were actually thinking is, 'Omg! You look like Sinèad O'Connor has just been hit by a bus, after a week on the meth!'

I saw two guys facing off today, "Do you know who I am?" One asked.. To which the other guy replied, "No, Do you know who am?" It's always a hoot visiting my grandad in the care home.

Proof the human race is devolving... Year 1500: "Hey there, young lady, who's your favourite artist?" "What a great question that you asked, kind Sir... I think, given his feverishly inventive imagination, and the sheer unquenchable curiosity of the man, I'd have to say, the great, Leonardo Da Vinci..." Fast forward to 2018... "Yo, who's your favourite artist?" "Justin Bieber, all day long, innit."

I've never ordered from a Chinese takeaway before, until now... Does anybody know what this little bag of polystyrene is for?

L'Oréal - because she's a pretentious cunt that thinks money grows on trees...

My fatter than expected Tinder date messaged me this morning saying how hurt she was that I saw her and left last night... 'How do you think I feel?' I messaged her back, 'I broke both of my ankles jumping out of our hotel window!'

Recent records show that 58% of marriages end in misery... The other 42% get divorced.

Ali was affecting us all at work today, we had to close all of the windows, and... he wasn't wearing any deodorant!

It was nice to see that Man Utd beat Young Boys... They've been shit against grown men!

I messaged a girl on the internet, I wrote, "Would you date a dyslexic?" She replied, "Porbably yse I wuold..." I never replied to that, I ain't datnig a fukcing foriegner.