Sickipedia

A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer. The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."

I had a meeting with my son's headteacher. I slammed my hand on the desk. "My son...Nick...came home from school with ash on his clothes. He seemed mildly stimulated, too." "Nicotine?" he asked me. I said, "Not even that, he's twelve."

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was. He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

I hate it when men treat sex objects as women

I'm not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBT... You'll probably offend someone.

I like Freudian slips as much as the next gay.

A woman sat next to me at the bar. "Have you ever done drugs?" I asked her. She frowned at me. "No," she replied, taking a sip of her water. "You have now," I replied.

I can't tell you how long I've been in this clock repair shop for.

I wonder what went off in Thomas Edison's head before he invented the light bulb.

I'd like to have children one day. But no longer than that.