Sickipedia

Some of my jokes have jumped on the cheap, easy point scoring, anti Muslim bandwagon. It might surprise you all, that in reality, I'm actually an MMM (Modern Moderate Muslim). This just goes to show, we have a sense of humour too. Perhaps we're not all that different, simply fellow human beings, who aspire to enjoying life. It makes sense we learn from each other. If you’re open, Islam may even have something to offer you. So let's unite together, become a full society without hatred, and please, stop treating us like we're Gays, Jews or Women.

My role in Scotland Yard CID, is as a DCI, specialising in forensic profiling, and interrogation. I received training in psychology, and crime analysis, by the Behavioural Science Unit of the FBI. When we lack hard evidence, we employ certain techniques, to ascertain the culpability of a suspect. We merit each case on an individual basis, but apply generalisations derived from decades of research into human psychology. The main questions we ask ourselves, to determine guilt are: •Does the crime scene signature, match the suspect’s psychological needs? •Are they being evasive to confrontation, in relation to the crime? •Is their body language defensive, or incongruent to the answers? •Do they have a passive reaction to accusation? •Is there a tendency to minimise the victimisation of the crime, and the hypothetical punity? •Do the facial micro expressions reveal emotions that correlate to guilt? •Most importantly, are they black?

Muslims are up in arms, (that’s unusual) because ‘Allah’ in Arabic, is written on Nike trainers. A spokesman for Nike stated, ‘it was a genuine mistake’. ‘Letting Islam into our society’.

Did you know that without friendly bacteria in our intestines, we would die? In fact, clinical studies show the importance of a healthy digestive flora. The leading cause of common ailments, is the absence of certain strains of bacteria. We have all heard of dairy based probiotics, but did you realise that vegetable based strains, are even more effective? The reason? Humans are more likely to have co-evolved around them, after all, we would have consumed vegetables a long time before drinking fermented milk. Unfortunately a vast quantity of these microbes are destroyed by heat, (cooking) and hydrochloric acid in our stomachs. With these facts in mind, I inserted an extra large cucumber deep within my rectum. They didn’t believe my story down at the A&E either.

Donald Tusk: Special place in Hell for those who promoted Brexit. It’s official, EU scaremongering has reached Biblical proportions.

I need help. I dug a big hole which didn’t have the appropriate warning signs. Now I’ve got about 10 pakis at the bottom writhing around in agony screaming, ‘whiplash’ and, ‘I’m making a claim’. I really don’t know what to do. Do I fill it in with topsoil or hardcore?

If you find racist humour offensive, simply because you’re black. Lighten up.

My model for success was to be a pretentious wanker and create public outrage. I tattooed a pig with a 6 digit number, then used the skin to make a pouch to hold gold. I called it a Jewbag. Now please can I be an MP for labour?

English wasn’t my first language. It was baby babble.

The snowflake party’s melting.