Sickipedia

I’ve got a job where I can proudly hold my head up at the end of the day. I’m an executioner for ISIS.

Hey! What’s all this I hear about there being a disaster at Hillsborough 30 years ago? They kept that fucking quiet.

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, has given birth to a baby boy, it has been announced. It’ll be released into the wild in a few weeks time.

Did you hear about the Geordie whose wife asked him to buy a new carpet? Came back with a Ford Fiesta.

Word of advice .... Whatever you do, if you invite Julian Assange around for tea, don’t say, “Make yourself at home.”

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday. “I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly. So that night I smothered her face with a pillow.

Freddie Starr dies aged 76 Knew if I waited long enough, he’d finally make me laugh.

Why did the pre-op transsexual cross the road? It certainly wasn’t to come to my house and suck my cock while my wife was out, after meeting on Grindr ...if that’s what you were thinking.

WARNING: Storm Hannah will be arriving in the UK later today. Everyone please make sure your jokes are tightly secured.

Nothing quite captures the excitement of a bank holiday as 35 rounds of snooker played over two days.