Sickipedia

Just accused my daughter of being a bulimic. I’m afraid it didn’t go down well.

Saw this incredible girl at the pub last night. Looked at her and instantly she made me rock hard. Last fucking time I visit Medusa’s Bar.

“Looks like we’re going to have a Sooty join the Royal Family,” shouted my nan through the serving hatch, as I stood in her kitchen making us a cup of tea. “I know nan,” I shouted back, “Those bloody nig-nogs are infiltrating everywhere. That monkey lover Prince Harry has really sold us down the river. “I BEG YOUR PARDON!” yelled nan back from the front room. So I walked from the kitchen into the front room to repeat what I’d said. Well I would have repeated what I said, if I hadn’t seen nan packing a yellow and black toy bear into a box addressed to, Prince George & Princess Charlotte, C/O Buckingham Palace. That’s when the penny dropped ....

See there’s a moat around the new American embassy in London. Yep! That’ll stop those terrorists carrying out another 9/11.

How ironic ... Carillion construction workers find their jobs are not set in concrete.

“Dad, Have you ever seen a chickpea?” “Yes son.” “When?” “The time your sister forgot to close the toilet door.”

It’s Blue Monday today, apparently the most depressing day of the year. That’s bollocks! My wedding anniversary isn’t until August.

Teacher: Now class, if I have 5 plums in my right hand and 7 plums in my left hand. What does that give me? Little Johnny: “The shits, Miss.”

Paddy said,” I shagged a prostitute last night.” “Were you wearing any protection?” asked Murphy “Yes, hard hat and overalls.” Replied Paddy.

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I can’t do anything right. She’ll be sorry, you mark my turds.