Sickipedia

Where can you touch a girl? Rochdale.

Millennial. You know that avocado you love eating. Your grandparents painted bathrooms with it.

I thought about having one wife who is good in the bedroom, another who is good in the kitchen and another who can tidy up. The alternative is to get married and have a mistress and a cleaner but that's expensive unless the cleaner is also the mistress. I now understand the attraction of gay men.

My wife asked me what funeral we should have for her mother. Burial or cremation? "Both. Just to be sure," I replied.

Until they learn to swim, give Africans only enough water to drink.

Sex doll shaggers face years in jail. Barbie and Action Man could be in trouble.

A man goes to the doctors with a lightbulb stuck in his arse. Before the doctor could speak, the man says "The answer must be more than one". "And what is the question?," asks the doctor. "How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb," replies the man.

Paki girls look like they get their tits from their dad and their moustache from their mum.

A suicide bomber has second thoughts when his finger is on the detonator and thinks he would prefer to become paedophile instead but has second thoughts again and considers fighting in battle with swords and rifles only to reconsider taking his GCSEs going to uni and working in his uncles corner shop and marrying his fat cousin with the moustache. Boom.

Depending on my exam results my parents promised they would let me go to a music concert. They reckon I will get ABBA or at worst ACDC. Imagine their surprise when I told them there's no need to wait as I didn't enter 2 of the subjects and didn't turn up in the others and the U2 concert was shit.