Sickipedia

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake

A guy was pulled from the local river today a mate told me,omg I said do we know him,did you get a name.yeah he said,his name was Bell,when they pulled him from the river he was ringing.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops. Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

My mate's wife rang me today asking if I'd seen him. "Not since yesterday." I answered. "I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he was at your house all night." "Erm... he... is someplace," I replied. "Don't stick up for him! You just said that you hadn't seen him since yesterday." "Yes, well..." I paused,Fuck,errr "...We've been playing hide and seek."

I called 999 for an ambulance today. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator. "I kicked my toe it off the corner of the bed." I replied. And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed. I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."

I was in the pub playing snooker when some bloke asked, "What's the hardest thing about playing snooker?"I replied, "Trying to convince the wife that the dog wants to take a cue with him on his walk."

Last week I updated my CV by adding 'Heavy Indian accent with limited English Speaking Vocabulary.' Just been offered three jobs at call centres.

I've just been shopping for the wife's birthday. I got a new black dress, some earrings and a bottle of perfume.She's having a party tonight, so I wanted to look my best.

Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers.Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use, "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.

My girlfriend was screaming at me."Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"