Sickipedia

Apparently if your wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Thoughts go out my Mother-in-law. She's been taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face Luckily she wasn't stung as I was too quick with the spade.

My friend said to me, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD!" I replied, "Don't mention it."

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy a fiberglass rod, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tacklebox, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20-pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and a LOT of beer.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

Breaking news : Norway has just completed painting barcodes on their entire fleet of war ships. So now, when returning to port, they can... Scandinavian.

What's the difference between slavery and fences? Black people can get over fences.

Dad, why do people say they have a green thumb when it is not even green? Its just a saying, Son. Its like when we say that someone is 'caught red handed' when we know that their hands are really black.

I've discovered that there are some women in this world who don't like it when you jizz on their tits. For example, those two that are sitting on the bus with their kids.

When you enquire about someone's name, you are really just asking what noise to make to get their attention.